Perfection

Blogging is a funny thing.  We tend to project perfection all over the internet - I, myself, included.  

And speaking of perfection.....perfection is a funny thing too.  You see none of us are perfect, nor can we ever be.  But we spend our entire life trying to exude perfection.  And if we just realized that nobody is perfect, everybody has baggage, a story, a past, we'd all be a little more understanding of the human race.  

Which brings me back to blogging.  You see, I've spent the past year desperately trying to make my marriage work.  And yet, you never would have believed that, would you?  Because my blogging world is all sugarcoated with perfection.  But my life, like everybody else, is not.

About a month ago my husband and I separated and I've spent the past month focusing on my blog, my job, myself, trying to stay perfect in the eyes of everyone around me.  And frankly, I don't want to do it anymore.  

For the majority of this past month, I felt my world crumbling down all around me.  I felt like I wouldn't be able to go on, move forward in life.  I felt sad, angry, confused, hurt, scared, anxious, panicked - you name it, I felt it.

And here I was blogging outfit post, after outfit post, favourite list, after favourite list - not wanting to admit to anyone (myself included), that the life I thought I'd lead forever had just disintegrated before my very eyes.

In some ways keeping a happy face in the blogging world was what I needed at that moment.  I needed a place to escape, somewhere to run away from my problems.  But you can't run forever.  And I've taken the last month to begin the healing process.

It is today that I have decided that THIS day is the first day of the rest of my life.  

I will be okay.

I'm going to survive.  And, actually, do more than just survive.  I'm going to live life to the fullest and focus on myself for a little while.  Do things that make me happy.

Last December, during one Sunday mass, my priest talked about turning your scars into stars.  That little quote has stuck with me over the past 11 months.  And, again, today is the day I intend to begin turning my scars into stars.

My life for more than a year has been nothing but a struggle.  I took my vows oh so seriously and I literally did everything I could to make my marriage work, but, sometimes, life takes mysterious turns that we can't  understand at the time.    I still don't really understand the reasoning behind it but I know one day I will.  And right now, I'm okay with that.

Which leads me back to blogging.  I'm not going anywhere.  My daily posts will continue.  I just thought it was important that my readers know what exactly has been going on in my life (and, frankly, why I'm no longer wearing my wedding rings).  

My little part of cyberspace really helped me get through the crap that I've gone through this past month, and, well, in the past year.

Not to mention that little family of mine.  They've been my rock and, frankly, they've saved me.  I have spent the past month grieving the loss of a marriage I never really had - and the one I thought I would have. They've been there through every. single. step.  

So, thank you, family - you're everything to me.

And the few friends that I've shared this with (you know who you are).  I'm eternally grateful.  

You've shown me how important friendship is.  Thank you for your support.

So, I'm going to continue this blog, like regular clock work, because I enjoy it.  I hope you'll continue in this journey with me.  Because, let me tell ya, it's been quite the journey so far.

And by the way, I'm choosing to move on......life's too short to live in the past. 

M.

xo, Megan